Transparency…

So it is long past time for me to come clean about an issue that has plagued me for years and something that has been a huge contributor to where I am today; my past with an eating disorder. This week is the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and that has given me the push to finally talk about it. I’ve waited for a while because I wanted to make sure that once I opened up that I would do this right. One of the biggest problems surrounding mental health is silence and I will no longer be ashamed to speak up about this because if even one person reads this and seeks help or if anyone reads this and it can help shed light onto the truth about eating disorders then it is worth my discomfort. So here goes…

I have been chubby for pretty much my whole life. That isn’t a self deprecating remark, it’s the truth. But what is also the truth is that my bulimia had NOTHING to do with my weight. Not a single thing. When most people think of eating disorders they think of the glamorized look that they see in the media as “obsessive dieting” and “starving to be thin” when the truth is that they are a mental health issue not a body issue.

When my bulimia first started I was in 7th grade. My mom had been diagnosed with colon cancer and my sisters and I were told that she probably wasn’t going to make it. This diagnosis lead to a massive shift in my life. We were living as a single parent household at the time and having my mom going through treatment meant that our lives had to drastically change. We had a huge outpouring of support from friends and family to make our lives as stable as possible but a change as intense as this was a lot. Due to the onset of extreme stress and life change I started developing eating disorder tendencies as a way to manage and cope with my stress, and develop a feeling of control. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I began obsessively paying attention to everything that I ate and started to cut calories anywhere that I could in an effort to regain some control in my life. This quickly lead to me passing out at school on several occasions and family members expressing concern for my well being. As I began to get more and more out of control my tendencies shifted towards bulimia and developed into a constant battle for me. Because I was chubbier to begin with when I began to lose weight it wasn’t viewed as a sign of anything wrong. One of the biggest myths people believe about eating disorders is that they are obvious to spot and that you would know for sure if someone around you was struggling. I was at the peak of my struggle with bulimia in jr. high and high school and all the while maintained a “normal weight” as do most people who have bulimia. It isn’t a fad diet or weight loss technique it is an illness that take a hold of your life. I realized that I needed help when I was a junior in high school and I no longer had any control of my  body. I had been bulimic for a few years and at that point it was difficult for me to keep food down even when I wanted to because it had become a natural reaction for me to purge. I was so ashamed that I didn’t want to tell anyone in my family or any of my friends. The first time I tried to tell someone that I needed help for my eating disorder they looked at me and said “what? you cant have an eating disorder, you’re not skinny” and it reiterated all of my feelings of shame because here I was dealing with an issue and I felt like no one would understand me. 

These are pictures from my sophomore and junior years of high school when I was in what I consider the peak of my bulimia. From the outside I looked completely healthy and happy. Eating disorders don’t look like “eating disorders”. Don’t assume that you will know if there is something wrong, and if someone mentions that they might need help, please listen.

When I decided I would seek out help I was a senior in high school and I went to the National Eating Disorder Association website and went onto their anonymous help chat and opened up to someone for the first time. I read their information to try and get a better understanding of what bulimia is and how I should seek recovery. Using their information and the support from the few people I had let in I was able to start recovering and get my life back. For the sake of full disclosure I still would not consider myself completely recovered, because I have stress as a main trigger for my bulimia, in times of stress or when I feel overwhelmed it is a constant battle for me to find ways to cope that don’t include binging and purging. But I know that this is not something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I know that I have a God that loves me and is holding my life, I know I have a family that supports me and friends to be accountable to. 

I will not let this disorder define me or control me. I have victory over my struggles and I pray the same for anyone currently going through this.  I urge everyone, living with an eating disorder or not, to educate yourselves on the truth about mental health. Learn what signs to look for in others or how to get treatment for yourself. We are all in this together.

 

Love in Christ,

Cassie.

New Year thoughts…

Wow 2014. It honestly blows my mind to think that this time last year I was sitting in Russia begging The Lord to show me what was up ahead of me and so anxious for what is to come and this year I find myself surrounded by such peace even in the face of the unknown. It has been such a long journey learning to fully trust in The Lord for what is ahead of me and I am so grateful for His patience, love, and persistence in holding my heart steady in the ever changing tide that has been this past year. My heart has been so changed this year with learning to be okay with the unknown for my future and really accepting the fact that if I fully lean into The Lords will and provision, that everything will come together in His perfect timing. Before, having no idea what was on the horizon for me brought me so much stress and anxiety but Jesus in his perfect and tender love has sheltered me through a year of the unknown and brought me to a place in my life where I can truly be open to whatever is up next.  I am so grateful for all of the change that I had to go through this last year, mostly for the times of doubt, the times of pain and crying out before The Lord for answers, because it all brought me to a place of vulnerability in front of God that I had never had before. Without having a season of discomfort I never would have learned to fully rely on His timing, to completely give Him control over my future and to develop the peace I have in seeking out His will for me. Never before in my life have I felt this kind of connection with the Lord. There is so much freedom that comes from just waiting on the Lord, seeking Him, and taking steps forward right in His footsteps. As I think back over this year, I am just so grateful for how different I feel now than I did a year ago. I am grateful for the Lords perfect timing in bringing me a season of challenges and change followed by a season of rest and now starting to see pieces come together of the exciting things up ahead of me. It may be different from almost everyone else my age, but I love the journey that The Lord has me on and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m looking forward to another year of growing closer to The Lord and seeking out His will for me, whatever that will mean and wherever that will be! After all, the last time I said I was open for anything, I ended up halfway around the world 🙂 

Love in Christ,

Cassie

Thoughts…

This has been on my heart for a while and is something i have been thinking about for quite a long time. When I think back over all of my experiences in Russia it is tough for me to summarize what I got out of being there. The Lord taught me so much and I truly believe that He is going to use everything that I went through for my testimony or in a way that will help me grow as a person. I spent a lot of time in Russia asking God to show me what He was wanting me to learn from everything. I had a very different picture of what I would be doing in St.Petersburg and what the ministry would look like so it gave me a very conflicted heart trying to figure out what The Lord was actually needing me for. I honestly believe that a huge reason for being called halfway across the world away from my whole life was to give me a chance to be separate from everything that was my “normal life’” and give me time to really be molded and changed by The Lord in a way that I couldn’t have been at home. Most of what I can take from my experience are personal changes and revelations from the Lord. I spent 10 months away from school, my job, a social life, my church, everything that made me feel comfortable. These months gave me a lot of time to find out who I am and the kind of person I want to become. I got clarification from the Lord on the kind of life I want to have, plans for my future, and the types of ministry I want to be involved in. I feel like I am coming back to the United States as a different person and in a very different place in my life. A verse i love is Proverbs 20:30 and it says “Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways”. This verse was brought to my mind several times throughout my time in Russia and I think it sums up perfectly a lot of what I went through. I think God was using this as a way to change me, to force me to do some maturing spiritually and emotionally, and to really teach me to depend on Him for my well being.  Honestly, a lot of the experiences I had in Russia were “painful” to me. They were uncomfortable, confusing, and not what I wanted to go through. I was really homesick, I struggled with new people and new situations to which I was unaccustomed, and I felt like I was doing more of a job than actively ministering. It was tough. It was not what I was looking forward to in my preparation for going there and it was not what I expected based on what I was told.  I know in my heart that God needed me there to be used because the Devil did his best to try and discourage me.  It was easier for me to see the hard things and the painful things than to see how God was making me “change my ways”.  I left knowing that God used me to minister to some really great kiddos and that I will come back home different. I have spent a lot of time these past few days with The Lord asking him to show me a positive perspective on everything that happened. It is so much easier for me to see things as challenges and for my spirit to feel beaten down after some not so pleasant times but I know my God uses all to His glory and that He wouldn’t let me struggle for no reason.  I spent these months in a home completely opposite from the one I grew up in, with people very different from everyone that I am usually around, and living a life that is very different from anything I had ever had before. I like to think that anyone thrown into a situation like that would face some challenges. I was frustrated, tired, and upset at times, but I know that Lord was using this to change my life and the lives of the kiddos i was working with. I got the chance to really experience God’s personal and powerful love for me. That is one thing I have always heard about and “known”. That God loves me. But it was never something personal for me until I came here. Many times here I was pushed to my limit and felt like absolutely breaking down. I would sit in my room and cry, text my mom and tell her about how I was just so done and wanted to come home, and every time I reached that point God showed up with something so personal to bring me back. Whether it was a night out with a good friend, an unexpected letter from home filled with cheesy love song lyrics, a sweet note from one of my kiddos, getting to skype my family, God always brought me something that spoke so clearly to my heart. It gave me the chance to feel just how much God loves ME, not in just a generic sense or the phrase I’ve grown up saying but that He actually loves me. Cassie. Personally. Honestly, a lot of the blessings were so tailor made to me that I know I could tell someone about it they would think “oh thats nice” but never know how much they meant to me. How even in the smallest things God wrapped his arms around my heart and reminded me that I wasn’t alone or abandoned in the moments of my weakness. And believe me, those moments of weakness happened quite often.  I am coming back to America more solid in my faith and commitment to the Lord than I could have imagined and I am coming back knowing that I will do whatever it takes to keep my life smack dab in the middle of where God wants me because it is so worth it no matter what happens. I know my life will be so different but I look forward to see what the next chapter of my life will hold, all I’m hoping for right now is that it includes time to be back with my family again! 🙂 

Love in Christ,

Cassie

Choose Joy.

Being here has been a very different experience for me mission wise. This is the first long term trip that I have ever taken and it is different than what I expected. This trip isnt about immediate results. It’s not clothing orphans in Africa, or feeding kids in Honduras. It isn’t cleaning up after a hurricane or repairing a trailer for a family in need. This is coming to a school every day to volunteer to work with pre-school kids. I come in and speak english, they color in workbooks and play with play-doh. But I’m finding out that this experience is not just about being here to help with the kids. It’s also a lot about me.  God doesnt do things halfway. If He puts a plan in motion He has everyone involved in mind. I came over here with the idea that I was just here to be used and then come home, but if there is one thing that a mission experience has taught me it is that no matter what you put into it, God always has something greater for you to take out of it. I have been “saved” since i was 6 years old in Mrs.Lukesh’s kindergarten class but since then it had been 12 years of going to church every Sunday and Wednesday, memorizing bible verses, and only praying when things got tough.  It wasn’t until this year that I actually decided to get real with God. Im learning that my life is not about me That as a Christian my life is not my own and if I am going to label myself a Christian I have to actually be able to back that up. I was under the impression all these years that going to church, reading the bible every once and a while and using prayer as a emergency line was enough to call myself a Christian. As many times as I heard that I needed to have a personal relationship with Christ, I had no idea what that meant.  I made a decision the summer after my senior year in highschool that I was actually going to live for Christ. No matter what that meant. I was sitting in an Arkansas Youth Camp praying about college when I asked the Lord “what am I supposed to do with my life?”  when I got the clearest response I have ever heard. “Give it to me, let me use you. I gave you a life and spirit that I can use, so let me.” The idea that my life was never about me and that it isnt really mine to sit around and be comfortable sounded so harsh.  It felt like a death sentence to say that I didnt decide my future, that it was in someone else’s hands. In reality, it has brought me the most peace that I could ever hope for. I dont have to worry about what is going to happen to me.  I know that if I am completely trusting in the Lord and doing His will that He will guide me and watch over me and take care of me. That lets me breathe a sigh of relief. Thinking about the future and what I was supposed to do and what choices I should make stressed me out. I was terrified that I would make the wrong decision and screw my life up, but when I don’t have to depend on my decision making ability and can listen to someone who has my best interest in mind I know that I will be alright.  Being here has given me the opportunity to feel the impact of having a daily, personal relationship with Christ. Proverbs 20:30 says “sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways.” Im learning this is so true. Being far away from home, out of my comfort zone and doing things that I don’t really know how to do, it is easy to get discouraged. It is easy to be really homesick, to spend days thinking about how much I wish I was back in America.  But all of that is my choice.  When I let thoughts like that enter my mind I am setting myself up for failure.  And it is days like that when it is so important to rely on my relationship with Christ.  There is a line in one of my favorite movies that says “God is everywhere, He is in everything”. It is so easy to forget that, to only think of God when I am at church or having a problem. But everything in my life involves God. Some days here have been painful, in fact this week was full of them. But this week I am learning just how important it is to get up every day and choose to actively be in Christ.  There is a little boy here Matthew and when he gets a bad attitude the first thing I tell him is “your attitude depends on you, choose to have a good one”.  But so often I forget that myself.  After a tough day it’s easy to feel defeated and want to give up and go home but I know that the Lord didnt abandon me here. As a Christian I have the joy of Christ and it is my job to take it. It is my choice. I wake up in the morning and before I even get out of bed I choose to have joy. It is my prayer in the morning, every morning. God today I claim Your joy in my life, I will not let the devil plague my mind with thoughts of sadness and homesickness, I choose to be happy today. I choose today to have peace in all of my situations, I know that you are leading me and guiding me and taking care of me. You give the peace that passes all understanding so I will not let myself get upset today.  I choose to have strength today. God you strengthen those who do work according to Your purpose so today I claim Your strength. Even though I am tired, even though I dont feel great, even though I really dont feel like getting out of bed. I know you are taking care of me. I know that my attitude is my choice and I will not let the devil deceive me into feeling worn out, and discouraged. Choosing every day to see my life as a gift from God and that everything I have comes from God is incredible. I see my problems, struggles and trials as opportunities to grow, or overcome things or see how God will take care of me.  If there is anything that I know, that my mother has instilled in me, it is that life is not fair, so I dont expect it to be. I choose to see everything that is good in my life as a gift from God, it is such a blessing to have good things and good days. Im seeing now that being here is as much about the kids here at the school that it is about me. It’s sad to say that it took moving halfway around the world to get me enough of a wakeup call to actually have a relationship with Christ but I guess He knows what He is doing haha! My life might not be about me, but it is definitely up to me to keep my perspective the way it needs to be and it is all about choices! My choices every day. I will choose to make my life about Christ and to put Him first. I will choose to do whatever He asks me to because I trust Him. And most of all I will choose to have a joy in everything because otherwise I miss out on so much. I think that is something so many Christians miss out on. We focus on just going through our daily lives without much concern for anything and when something bad happens we get upset and discouraged. God didnt design us to be that way, He has control of our lives and gives us joy so that we never have to feel abandoned and depressed.  Whatever happens it is our choice how we react and how we feel. I dont know what will happen after this year but I do know that whatever happens, I will be in good hands.

Love in Christ,

Cassie

Very blessed!

So I think it is safe to say that yesterday was my best day here so far! It never ceases to amaze me how God brings blessings my way. I had a really hard week last week with being sick, discouraged and wanting to come home but I got through it and I was mostly okay to move on and be back to doing what I am here for. I had a really good day Sunday at church and then came home to finally clean my room which always makes me feel better. I cant handle being in a cluttered messy bedroom it stresses me out. Even at home when my room got too messy i would sleep in the living room or in someone else’s room because I just can’t handle it. It was so great to be able to get my stuff in order and feel comfortable in there. It made me feel a lot better for sure so I was perfectly fine to go on with my week after that. I was excited for monday though because I knew that I had a surprise outing that had only one instruction, bring a bathing suit. Let me clarify that there is over a foot of snow outside and the only context for my outing is bring a bathing suit. Surprises already make me nervous and to be honest I kind of really hate them so couple that with the fact that I would be wearing a bathing suit (just always uncomfortable) and in the snow no less I was pretty nervous.  So I got to school and had a really good day with my littles which was encouraging and got ready to head out.  So we drove around for about an hour in the complicated Russian roads and through construction that took us forever to get through and the whole time my heart was beating so fast! I seriously cannot reiterate enough how much surprises just freak me out. We finally got to where we needed to be and parked outside of this gigantic building with palm trees all outside. Let me tell you that few things look stranger than palm trees covered in snow, the weirdest juxtaposition. So I got stuff out of the car and we headed inside what turned out to be a big mall and it was absolutely gorgeous inside! Everything was so nice looking and brand new, it was incredible! So as we were walking in we were looking at all of the pretty stuff and my friend looked over at me and said “Well this is actually going to be a two part surprise because there is something else that happens to be here that I am sure is just for you.” And lo and behold, in all its glory, sat the most beautiful Starbucks that I have ever seen. I wept. I mean it was an immediate reaction. I have never been so happy to see a coffee shop in my whole life. It is so sad how much that impacted me but i was completely overjoyed! So I sat and sipped my Venti mocha with an extra shot in absolute bliss. It may be far away and I have to learn to order in Russian but it is here and within driving distance and that is enough for me. Finding out that this was just a lucky addition to the surprise gave me great hope for what it would actually be and it did not disappoint at all. Inside the mall there was an indoor water park and spa that was AHHH-MAZ-ING. I mean wow!! It wasn’t until I actually got there that i realized just how stressed and icky I had been feeling. It was incredible just to be able to spend the night having a lot of fun and being completely relaxed. One part of it was like a water park so we went on some really fun water slides, sat in the wave pool, did the lazy river, enjoyed the hot tub and had really nice time! It was so fun! But on the other side there was probably the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. There were 14 different sauna rooms. 14!!! And I think we visited almost all of them. It was so nice to be able to sit and steam and relax. It was exactly what I needed and I didnt even know that I needed it. All the rooms were based on different places so they had different temperatures and different scents some were dry some were foggy. It was absolutely the best! I was so extremely relaxed and refreshed. My hair and skin are so soft, I slept so well last night after and it was great to have time to just be relaxed. I got to sit and be quiet and not have to think about school, or little kids, or anything stressful at all. I just got to sit and relax and feel pampered. It is weird to think about how my life here is so so different.  Everything that I do here is not like my life at home. Things here take way more effort for sure and I have to think about things that I majorly took for granted before. It’s not a bad thing but a lot of the time it is easy to get caught up in it and feel like “wow this is so not my life”. Especially when I was sick and bummed out it was so easy to feel like that and get stuck in that mindset and not realize that I need to get over it and realize that yes this is my life now and it isn’t bad it is just different. But it was such a blessing to be able to sit there yesterday and feel like me again, not having to think about all that other stuff and just sit and relax, have fun and be me. It was so huge! It would have been more than overjoyed to get Starbuck and that be the whole deal because that was major for me but  the fact that there was such a bigger blessing in store was incredible. God chooses to bless how ever He does. It’s easy in life to rejoice in small blessings and think that it is all God has in store for us. And to be honest that is so beyond great anyway! But it is so much more than that! God plans and sees everything that we go through both good and bad and He knows exactly what we need when we need it. He is so much greater than we can imagine.  I had resigned myself to small blessing and that I would have to choose to be happy because it is an attitude decision and didnt think about how there was more than that.  Yes being happy is a choice, everyday you need to choose joy but that doesnt mean that God wont put things in your life that will genuinely refresh you and make you happy. Yesterday was incredible for me because it was so much better than I could have imagined and it was exactly what I needed. Taking that time to relax so helped me. It gave me time to get my focus back and refresh my spirit so I can take this experience for what it is. I hadnt even realized how tense and grouchy I was until I took time to just breathe. I am so blessed and definitely planning on going back haha! Absolutely perfect day!

Catching up

Well I would first like to apologize for taking so long to blog again.  I have kind of a crazy schedule here so it is easy to lose track of time and not take the time to blog and keep things posted.  Along with being really busy this past week I have been pretty sick headaches,stuffy nose, sore throat, lost voice, the works. Not fun. But since I’ve been sick I haven’t been at the school so I figured this would be the perfect time to blog. Since my last post we have had Thanksgiving here and that was an adventure haha. We had a whopping total of 5 Thanksgiving dinners! FIVE! For an American holiday these Russians do it up big! We had Thanksgiving dinner together as a family before MamaKimberly left to go to the states to work out some passport and visa stuff and it was really nice. On actual Thanksgiving Day the cooking was left up to me and it was actually pretty fun. The thought of it was pretty daunting to me since I have never cooked a whole Thanksgiving meal by myself before along with the fact that I was doing the cooking in a little kitchen with ingredients I wasn’t exactly familiar with. Everything went pretty well though, surprisingly.  I made turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans, creamed corn, 3 pumpkin pies, banana cream pie, and cherry pie all by myself! And kind of miraculously…it all tasted really great! It was very exciting for me.  The sunday after Thanksgiving we had a Thanksgiving dinner at church so I had to cook a whole turkey, 13 turkey breasts and 3 trays of of stuffing. Another day spent all in the kitchen but it was pretty fun.  After all of the cooking and eating Thanksgiving dinner I have pretty much had my fill for a long time I think.  It was a good experience for me though. I felt pretty god about everything but for having that many Thanksgiving dinners it really never felt like Thanksgiving to me. Im not sure how to explain it but it is strange to go through a holiday with nothing familiar around. I really enjoyed celebrating here but it was strange.

Winter has officially arrived and with it has come lots of snow! 😀 Snow happens to be one of my favorite things in the entire world so Im really excited about having winter here where I can actually experience real winter and big snow for once.  Everything looks so pretty and it’s cold, I’m loving it. I just wish I could feel better enough to enjoy it. Since I’ve been sick this week I’ve been home and resting trying to get back to feeling like my normal self and honestly it has been tough. Being sick so far from home is really a bummer. Not feeling good and not being able to be in my house and my own bed and having my momma take care of me is no fun at all. The combination of the holidays and feeling sick has made me really homesick 😦 it’s been a struggle this past week. It’s hard to be feeling so icky and keep a positive mind but I have to keep in mind that this is Gods plan and if He brought me this far He isnt just going to leave me here discouraged. I think the devil has really used my vulnerable state against me. Our thoughts control our whole life. The way we feel, the way we act, and speak and the devil knows that.  What’s worse is that i know that and still let myself get discouraged.  I let even the tiniest seed of doubt or sadness into my mind and it just grows and takes over until that’s all I can focus on. It’s really unhealthy and it just makes me miserable.  My attitude depends completely on me. It is my responsibility to choose to have joy! It is a choice! Joy is a gift from the Lord and I know that if I am in the Lord then His joy is mine to have.  So i refuse to get down. I refuse to let myself sit around wishing to be back in America and crying over things I feel like I am missing out on. The Lord has blessed me with this incredible journey and opportunity and I have to gall to sit here wasting it thinking of everything I would rather be doing. My life is not my own. I am here to do His will and I am blessed to be a part of His plan doing whatever I can.  I know this is going to be so rewarding and I have already gotten so much out of this experience and just the fact that I am doing Gods will is reward enough. So keeping that in mind I can breathe easier, I know that I will have days when it is tough to be here but that no matter what it is worth it.  There are little blessings each day and regardless of what Im feeling I know that God is still here with me and I look forward to seeing what the next months will hold.  I have great kiddos at school that are learning a lot, and I feel so blessed to be a part of helping them learn and grow and see who they are in Christ. I am surrounded by great uplifting people here who make me laugh, love me, and are able to bring me the encouragement I need.

All of the prayers and support that I am receiving are so so sooo important and greatly appreciated. I am so thankful for everyone that God has used to bring me this far and help me along this journey. I’ll do my best to keep up better with blogging and posting updates!

Love in Christ,

Cassie

1 Month!!

So I have officially been in St.Petersburg for a month now 🙂 crazy that its been that long because it totally doesnt feel like it! I am so blessed to be living such a wonderful adventure and loving every second of it, breakdowns and all haha! Ive decided that this post is going to be fun, a lot of people have asked me what life is like here or what is the most different so here goes. Pretty much life here isn’t super different. I mean basically every aspect of my life has changed but not to the degree of super foreignness. Mostly being in St.Pete reminds me of what it would be like to live in New York City except not being able to read any of the signs. Most of the comfort factor comes from me living with an american family thats been here long enough to know how to get americanish stuff here. So far no massive cultural shock stuff though so not much to report on the major differences between here and back home. 

Things that make me seem weird to Russians:

1. I smile. Im a super smiley giggly person normal and definitely not on the quiet side but being happy and pleasant-ish out in public is apparently really strange. But because of the way my face is, when im not smiling it looks like im seriously pouting so we joke that it is my russian face. Haha so pretty much everyone just looks super serious and grumpy all the time so I have to work on that.

2. I love to be barefoot inside. I am seriously a shoe/boot addict. I love them so much but as much as i love them I also love love LOVE to be barefoot and here that is a big no no. We change shoes whenever we go in anywhere into inside shoes (tapki) so i have to wear shoes all the time. I fought it at first and wore socks but it was an issue so i have caved and now wear my flats inside bleh but at home, no shoes for me! nope!

Music:

So I hear a lot of American music here because they love the club-ish party music. Dubstep is huge here like everyone loves it haha but its been weird because people will be just hanging out listening to the music because it has a really good beat or is fun to listen to and not even realize that the lyric are just disgusting because it’s in english so that’s been a bit strange. I’ll be out somewhere and hear absolutely vulgar music blasting and people are just sitting and dont even know.

“Russian-isms”

So I’ve made friends with some of the kids here at the school and have hung out a bit to where they are comfortable enough speaking a bunch of english with me which is awesome! That is something that people have mentioned that since I and Rachel have gotten here the kids are making more of an effort to speak english so they can talk with us. I love talking to them and bonding with them but several times there have been some pretty funny conversational goofs! So here for your reading pleasure:

“You are awkwarding me!!” (you are making me feel awkward)

“Im so jealousing her” (I’m jealous of her)

“I will can do not understand!” (mid conversation joke story about being in america and confused by english)

“do not make laugh at me” (dont laugh at me)

“the momma egg-le fed the baby egg-les” (Eagles but said like eggs)

“Im sorry i am forgot my sound today” (i lost my voice)

CELEB SIGHTINGS!!

Not really but thats what it felt like at the time haha. So i am 97.4% sure that i saw Albert Einstein in the metro the other day…not even joking. It was him. Legitimately. He had the hair the rumpled clothes and the exact same face. I’m not even kidding i stopped breathing for a second and had a momentary freak out.

Better than that, I saw the veggie man. There is a man who gets on the metro and does a little commercial deal about selling this vegetable peeler thingamabob and he has been on my train several times, enough for me to recognize him. However I saw him in town in another location just doing daily life sort of things and had to take a breath and make sure that I didnt freak him out in english because he was the veggie mad which he would absolutely not understand. 

Best one for me to see so far though. A dog in a windbreaker. Legit. im not talking some froofy looking dress up my dog kind of deal. Oh no. This dog was legitimately dressed in functional casual wear because of it being cold outside! IT WAS IN A WINDBREAKER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Not even a cute one seriously just one for functionality purposes wandering around the city. I dont even know why this impacted me so much but i was having a conniption in the back of the car when i saw that thing. I was absolutely cracking up. It was great!! This little dog just strutting around in its winter workout wear. So much good.

———- anyone not wanting to hear emotionalish babble should stop here because im about to start——–

Alrighty on to more serious-ish stuff. I was having some quiet time the other day and getting into the bible and a book i brought with me and listening to some worship music i found on my iPod and at the same time all three of those synced onto one particular passage in the bible and the song playing quoted the verse as well and it really impacted me. The song was a misty edwards song and the lyrics say “I will waste my life, I’ll be tested and tried, With no regrets inside of me to find I’m at Your feet, I’ll leave my father’s house and I’ll leave my mother, I’ll leave all I have known and I’ll have no other”. That really stood out to me because i really feel like that. I know that what I’m doing isn’t some extreme missionary in the jungles break from society kind of thing but I left my whole life and stepped out to do what I was called to and it has been easy. My life here is great and my soul is so at peace but I did leave everything that was my life.  My friends, my family, my church, everything that was really comfortable and familiar. It hasn’t been a bad thing at all but it wasn’t easy. As I’ve been here though I’ve spent some more time with the Lord and using this as a chance to really develop a great close personal relationship with the Lord and getting to know myself in Him which is something I have really struggled with in the past. This is like the first big step of faith I have taken in following the Lords direction and I know that i really needed to do this. We have talked here about how Gods planning is nothing like our planning. He sees the whole scale and very rarely does he do something that isn’t beneficial to all He is using. My “momma” was talking to me and she made a really great point. Me coming here was 100% about the school. They needed someone to work with the littles and I filled that and am here to be used. But me coming here was also 100% about me. I needed this. I really did! I needed to take a step out, I have a lot of maturing to do and I needed to be put in a new situation that would test that. I needed to learn to really commit to something for Christ. This was something that has taught me that if you really follow Gods will for your life that even if it is uncomfortable at first that He has a perfect plan set before us (jeremiah 29:11) . Everything is in His perfect will and I am so excited to see what is to come. I’ve personally been through so much already that I know i could never have gotten or experienced had i chosen to stay where it was comfortable and not decided go for this.  Even things in my life that have nothing to do with ministry or missions work have been worked on by the Lord here. I’m amazed at the wholeness that you can feel being in the will of Christ that i didn’t even realize i was missing before. I’ve had a few(and seriously i mean 3 max) super emotional moments where i just wanted to quit. Had i had the option i would have come back home. I felt seriously broken and just really bleh. They started over stupid little things but my emotions have always way excessive and that is something that the enemy really uses against me. I am the epitome of drama queen, mountain out of a molehill, type person and it has been something i hated about myself.  We had a womens meeting at church and talked about the power of your speech and claiming the power of the Holy Spirit and speaking against attacks in Jesus’ name and it was the first time that I ever thought about my emotional whacked-out-ness. It has been amazing because even in those times of emotional outburst I’ve had enough level headedness to think through things, push through the day anyway and all of those days ended up being incredible. By the end of the day I was sitting down cracking up at the insanity of my breakdown and how great the day turned out and in an incredible mood which never before happened. A horrible morning for me meant a bad week and lots of unpleasantness. So that has been great! I also amazed that I have been able to get ready and leave the house everyday haha. I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination and here my latest alarm is set to go off at 5:57am. Usually that would mean a nightmare for anyone around me but i have woken up in a good mood almost everyday, put on makeup and felt great to go through the day which is a miracle in itself.  

Prayer stuffs:

In one week the number of my littles has doubled in size which is such a blessing! I love getting to work with them and love on them. It has a lot of challenges also. One of my littles is a rambunctious little guy who hasn’t had much discipline at all in his life and that makes it a bit challenging but little by little things are getting easier. Im doing my best to just love on him and pray over him a spirit of peace and I know that things will be fine. Please pray that I will have wisdom in dealing with my littles and that they will have open ears, minds and spirits, receptive not just to the english but to know that they are loved and cherished and children of the King. Also, prayers for finances would be incredible! Money is tight for everyone and in a lot of life areas because living over here is more expensive in the states but specifically we are praying for a car! We have a 35 minute walk to the bus every morning, a 30 minute bus ride to the metro, a 40 minute metro ride and then a short walk to the school. We go through the school day and do it all again in reverse. Right now it isn’t too bad but once the super cold hits, along with big snow and stuff a car would be such a blessing. So if there is extra room in your prayer time please keep us in mind. 

Looking forward to what the next months hold 🙂

Love in Christ

Cassie

Happy happy happy :)

I’ve been a little slacking on keeping in contact this past week, but we have been busy with school, and conference. But now I’ve got some time so here goes. First and foremost, I am happy! So so so soooo happy! I dont think I could say it enough to convey the joy that i have here. There is nothing that compares to the joy and contentment from Christ you receive when you are completely in His will. It is incredible! Nothing like you will ever get from anything of this earth. Even when we are just going through everyday life things here I just feel so at peace and so content with my life here. Not going to lie, one of my biggest fears was that I was coming here out of my own desire and that I would get over here and be completely miserable. Lonely, homesick, and miserable. And so far, none of that has been true. Yes, i miss my family, but its more that i miss being able to contact them at any moment. I love all of my friends and family dearly but so far everything here has ben so great and so busy that it hasn’t been upsetting. That sounds bad, but i dont know how to describe it without sounding kind of harsh. Also, one of my biggest upsets was leaving my church. I love my church I have no doubt that i go to one of the best churches in all of the world. Its not just that the church is great but I love everyone there. The most important people in my life are there and thinking of moving so far away from all of them and going to a new church really broke my heart. That being said, heading to church on sunday was a nerve wracking experience for me.Not even ten minutes into worship I was holding back tears. This is the closest thing to my home church feeling that i could have prayed for. Worship especially! The moving of the Holy Spirit, and the work of the Lord knows no bounds when it comes to a language barrier. I didn’t even want to sing, I just wanted to sit and cry and be thankful that even though i was halfway around the world an anointed worship team could bring the peace of feeling at home. It was such a relief! Since we are having conference we have several services a day from different speakers and a few times of worship and it is incredible! I cant say enough how at home I feel here and how great it is. On some “fluff” topics, the weather is amazing! Its already cold here so i get to wear the sweaters and jackets that I love, the food is actually not that different from the food in america so far, and I love having brothers! I never thought that i would like to have brothers since boys are icky and gross but I actually love it. My new family is awesome! Im going to try my best to be keeping up with facebook and twitter more often but I make no promises that it will be possible. I promise pictures are to come, but so far we have just been doing daily life kind of stuff so nothing super picture worthy. Prayers for finances are really appreciated now and that the wisdom and provision of God would fall on my st.pete fam.

Side stories:

The other day we were taking the metro home and I happened to sit by a ver highly intoxicated russian. He leaned over and began speaking to me in full conversation. I was sitting by my brother David and he politely told him that I didn’t speak russian. The man completely ignored this and continued to speak to me with Davids translation. He was laughing and smiling and very much enjoying his one sided conversation with me. It came time for his stop so he quickly stood up, grabbed my hand and place a massive slobbery kiss on it. Apparently a sign of respect. So now i can say that i have been kissed by a drunk russian.

There is something called english club at our church which is pretty much just a bunch of people getting together and speaking english at different levels so they can learn it. We go to be able to speak with them and so that they can hear english. I met a man there that speaks Russian and some english, and my russian is a bout 15 words max. We found out that we both know quite a bit of spanish though so we were able to have a full conversation in spanish which was awesome!

Much love in Christ,

Cassie 🙂

Finally made it :)

After long weeks of planning, several days of heavy packing, and 50 hours of terrible travel I have made it to St.Petersburg!! Yay!! It feels so good to be with family and in a soon-to-be-normal routine.  Given how terrible these last few days were it feels incredible to at last be here.  I started off my travel with everything planned out and expected things to go fine, just as planned. Haha nope. From the get go there were setbacks and changes and all kins of complications. (all of which now i choose to see as all part of the journey) I was supposed to be traveling here from tulsa, to detroit, to amsterdam, to st.petersburg, all of the flights had been scheduled and confirmed and i was ready to go.  Thats when the first snag hit.  My plane out of tulsa was delayed long enough to mean that when i landed i would miss my connecting flight to detroit pretty much messing everything up. I began to panic but since it was an airline error I was re-book and put up in a hotel room for the night with food vouchers for until i left.  I got lost leaving the airport heading to the hotel by myself and by the time i got there i was so physically and emotionally worn out that all i could do was lay down in bed and cry.  It was nice to be there though because it gave me enough time to talk to my family more before i left the country and get one more good night of sleep.  Although i was not thrilled with being alone all night i got good enough sleep to leave me feeling rested the next day (which i very much needed) After a nice hot shower I decided to head to the air port around noon fulling intending on checking in and going through security and then just being on my computer until my 6 o’clock flight.  When i got to the airport though problem number two arose.  What was supposed to just be me checking in turned into the man behind the counter taking my boarding passes and without telling me changing all of my flight information.  These changes not only pushed my fly out time until later but it also significantly shortened my layover in amsterdam. Not knowing what to do now that i was checked in to other flights i called my mom who called Delta and tried to see if there were still seats available on the 6pm flight.  I went to the Delta desk highly irritated and asked that i be put back on my original flight plan and for compensation for all of the setbacks i had been through. I was met only with extreme rudeness and sass but did end up getting my flight changed.  I hope to be able to use the rest of my time FaceTiming various family members for the last time for a while but the Airport wifi had time limits which made it very difficult to do so. I got out some final calls and got on my long light to amsterdam. I met my lovely seat neighbor who, immediately as the flight took off, chugged 4 beers and passed out drooling on my arm and snoring for the duration of the flight.  I was hoping to sleep on the flight since it was over night but heavy turbulence and Mr.Drunk prevented me from doing so. We landed and i got ready for what i thought would be  a peaceful 5 hour layover in Amsterdam. Nope! I got off of the plane and couldnt find anyone to help me. I had no idea where to go and couldnt hear anyone around speaking english. I began to cry (of course) because of exhaustion and confusion and having no idea what to do.  I walked around the airport for a good 45 minutes carrying my big, heavy, non rolling (smart right?) bags until i sat down against a wall and tried to get some internet connection to be able to contact someone.  Because of being in europe i couldn’t just use my phone and call my family to tell them i had arrived or that i was lost and needed help. This airport, however, only allowed 30 minutes of free wifi and my debit card had no money to buy more so i was panicking to find someone awake that could help me.  Luckily my mom was awake and looked up a map of the airport and tried to tell me what to do while i was in freak out mode.  I found where i was supposed to go which turned out to just be a bench in the middle of a hallway. I used up the last of my internet time crying to my mom about how tired of traveling a miserable I was.  I set an alarm on my phone to make sure i would be in time for boarding in case i fell asleep and turned on a movie. Luckily i set my phone to go off because i ended up falling asleep in the airport and only woke up 20 minutes before boarding.  I woke up to my phone going off and was completely alone. Not a good sign when you are supposedly where a plan should be loaded full of people. I scrambled to collect all of my stuff and rushed to the closest monitor only to see that my loading gate had been changed to the other side of the airport and began a full sprint to my flight. I thought “wow this figures, the one time the airline doesnt mess up, i do!”. I made it barely in time for boarding got on the plane and promptly fell back asleep finally at peace that no matter what else happens at least I will be in Russia and with family and it will be fine.  After that point it was relatively smooth sailing. Got to the airport, claimed my bags, and made it to the door. I saw my Aunt Kimberly and immediately burst into tears! (in case you havent noticed, no matter whats going on theres a pretty good chance that im crying) I had never been happier or more relieved to see someone in my whole life! I knew at that point that everything was going to be okay. We loaded all my bags into the car and headed home. I brought my suitcases into my room, had dinner, and breathed a heave sigh of relief.  I was given tasks to do until around 10 o’clock to make sure that i would stay awake until then. By the time i could go to sleep i was full on zombie mode. I lay down into bed and the second my head hit the pillow i was out! I got great sleep, enough to be awake and ready for school at 5:30 in the morning.  We left the house at 6 and started traveling to the school. A 25 minute walk to the bus stop,a 20 minute ride to the metro station, a 35 minute ride on the metro, and walking to the school and we were here! Today was a short day of classes because of an afternoon field trip which is a good easy way to start things off. I’ll be teaching the little kids. I have 3 students right now and will be helping them learn basic english words, commands, and phrases. I am so excited to get started and to finally be here! For right now though the jet lag is pretty strong. Its barely noon here and I am dealing with a pretty bad headache and barely able to keep my eyes open but its completely worth it and i know that in no time this will be no problem at all. As always, prayers are appreciated in this new season of my life.

Love in Christ form St.Petersburg,

Cassie 🙂

On my way…

Well today was the day! All got started and ready and I am finally on my way to St.Petersburg! What seemed like would be a long day of travel has now become a bit longer but everything is in Gods hands. Today was very emotional and for all the wrong reasons. I got myself all ready to be sad and missing my family and ended up crying for many reasons other than that.  I said goodbye to my church, my friends, my house and my sweet Dorris(cat) this morning and headed to Tulsa with my mom and my sister. We danced and sang in the car to some of our favorite songs and spent the drive enjoying some last quality family time.  It was exactly what I needed! Time to be silly and lighthearted and take some of the super-sad feeling away. I decided that I had spent too much time crying and feeling sad for what I am leaving behind and wanted today to be fun and lighthearted starting my journey off.  All was going well until we got to the airport in Tulsa and found that my first flight had been delayed which would set back the next two, hearing that, i went into panic attack mode. I’m hyper-emotional as it is but the thought of being stranded on my own far away from everyone made me absolutely lose it.  Lots of tears and hyperventilating. I could barely focus on the fact that I was saying goodbye to my family for ten months and only focused on the fact that all of the travel would be out of control. A fact which i now regret because of brief hugs, rushed goodbyes, and finally realizing that unlike usual i wont be able to text my sisters stupid pictures or call anytime i think of something to say and keep in constant contact, which i knew in theory but finally hit me as real today 😦 But anyway I landed in detroit and after a hectic hour at the airport I am safe and sound in a hotel for the night waiting to fly out tomorrow. As much as i hate these delays I choose to see it as a blessing in disguise! It has given me the chance to get some good rest tonight instead of rushing to make a connecting flight, I got the chance to call my mommy and cry like a baby (which when you’re scared, and stressed, and all alone you just need) and now have a little bit of a longer layover in Amsterdam giving me more time to make a flight.  Tonight I am going to bed with the mindset that I can rest tomorrow, talk to my mommy and finally get on my way.  As much as I see myself as mature and independent, it only takes one day of walking around a huge airport by myself having no idea where to go or who to talk to, sitting in a hotel room alone crying to realize that i still have a lot of growing up to do. Im placing all of my concerns and cares in Gods hands right now and relying on His strength, and the peace that passes all understanding. Only minor setbacks and I know that in the end it will all be worth it.  After all it is way to soon to already feel homesick and crying for my mommy right? All part of the journey i guess 🙂 growing up and joining real life but at least Im on my way!

All of the prayers are appreciated, with love in Christ,

Cassie